"Growing Pains"

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Train Town

Our room is heavy with heat and smoke, so

We must leave the window ajar

To let in the night and the breeze

Which carries the whistles of distant

Trains. Howling at the moon, they stride

Across the prairie, bounding ahead 

Through the dark and the wind.

Their keening calls to mind my first 

Home on the edge of another plain.

Growling engines roam through 

Shadows in the wilderness 

Of my mind, the cold frontier of memory.

The tracks rattled and the whistle sang

My lullabies, deep and dismal

In the wintry still of my nursery.

So now I lean against a faraway windowsill

To breathe in the train-town hymn,

To trap a wild thing, for a moment, within my chest.

Growing Pains

In the cool water, the pool light glows amber, 

A second moon.

I let myself sink and look up

To watch the surface dance. 

I open my mouth and bubbles wiggle 

Free and rise like drops of quicksilver

Until the air left in my lungs wrenches me upward 

Into the darkness, echoing with boyish noise.

They giggle and tease in the shallows,

Steam rising from their shivering bodies,

Blue and gold and cold in the porchlight.

Yesterday I ate dinner at the adult table.

I picked around the green bean casserole 

And devoured the chatter—eyes down, hoarding questions for later.

The kids played video games upstairs, cheers rattling down the staircase,

But instead I eavesdropped on the anecdotes passed around the table, 

Enigmatic despite my efforts, a foreigner in 

My own family.

There is snow in the grass tonight, and the little ones lie down in it. 

It melts on their bare skin, and they scream through chattering teeth, 

Then fling themselves into the pool. They revel in the splash,

Snicker as I scrub the chlorine from my eyes. Through the windowpanes, 

The grown-ups laugh over dark coffee, too bitter for me every time I try.

Night air prickles my skin, so

I dive deeper, swim closer to the pool light. 

I put my hand against it to feel the heat of the yellow bulb; 

I listen to the humming of its wires 

until I hear nothing, 

nothing else.

I belong here,

But I’ve never felt so alone.

Permission

I gave myself permission to exist today.

I took up space, 

         unashamed.

I rubbed shoulders 

In a crowd without apology.

I gave myself permission to live today.

I drank in life 

In all its neon clarity; I savored 

the flavor of the colors, 

          the rhythm of the words.

I gave myself permission to breathe today.

I inhaled, 

          exhaled, 

                    sighed in relief.

I danced with abandon, 

Glowing, twirling, 

Leaping with my newly freed heart.